Self-diagnosed, an Aspie Experience

Asperger’s Syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder hallmarked by social impairment, obsessive interests, and intact cognitive and language abilities. I never knew that it existed or that I had it until I was enlightened to its existence by a fellow Aspie and saw myself clearly reflected in its symptoms and signs.

Growing up, I was always aware that I was just a little bit different. I didn’t make friends easily. I wanted friends. I tried to play with others and be outgoing in preschool and pre-K but I usually ended up as “that weird kid who latches on to people who want nothing to do with her”. It was almost like when I talked to other kids my age I was speaking a different language. No, that’s not exactly accurate, it was more like… I was speaking a different dialect of the same language. Their slang and subtext, ulterior meanings and that sort of thing… just didn’t make a scratch of sense to me. I also, for quite a while, but I’m getting better at this now… could not understand sarcasm. To me it seemed the same thing as deception because I couldn’t comprehend that the tone of voice gave it away and entailed the opposite meaning. I saw no logical reason for deception and it wasn’t until I’d been battered by ostracizing and emotional and psychological bullying that it ever dawned on me that somebody would have a reason to lie to me or anyone else.

After I was hurt by deception and the underhanded bullying tactics used by elementary school girls I became too hardened. I didn’t allow the slightest opportunity to be stung again but what I didn’t realize at the time was that did far more harm than good. I was being overly defensive and do to the fact that I hadn’t the slightest clue how to be subtle and they did, I probably appeared to everyone else as the aggressor. I simply wasn’t very good at their game and frankly the hall aids usually (much to my dismay) sided with those jerks.

The thing was, this entire time where me inability to understand these things was making my life harder, I was ardently convinced that I was the “normal” one and everyone else was weird. As Butch Cassidy once said: “I got vision and the rest of the world’s wearing bifocals”.

One thing about me is that I am profoundly self-aware. I spend much of my idle time reflecting on my actions and emotions and this talent allowed me to figure out relatively early on, that I wasn’t destined for the top of the social ladder. I certainly wanted friends but I didn’t want the sort of friends who would never truly understand me, who wouldn’t even try to but instead would just allow me to orbit on the outside of their circle. What I desired most were true friends, the kind you could bear your soul to and be unafraid that they would abandon you. Sure enough, in time such a motley crew did come together, one by one, from a girl I met when I was six who is now like a sister, to the friend I met just three years ago when I was sixteen. Each is odd in their own unique way. This made life interesting and perhaps partly because we had all been bullied and cast out by the majority of the mainstream and perhaps because some of the others had Aspie tendencies of their own… we bonded into almost a tribe of our own. We even came up with a name. The Island of Misfit Toys. Our Island included Kirsten the Innocent, Kiami the wannbe dictator, Chira the Dark Artist, Zack the walking Encyclopedia, Becky the quiet one, and Chantal the well-meaning but occasionally annoying bible-thumping evangelical… To call us an unlikely bunch is to say the least of it, but these are the people who I still call my friends.

I’m not just bad at reading people but I am even prone to sending out mixed or inaccurate signals to others, by that I mean that my expression, body-language, and tone of voice do not always accurately reflect what I mean to communicate… this has led to some unintentional hurt feelings and unnecessary arguments, particularly with my parents, who like me a year ago, have no understanding that it’s not my fault and therefore they don’t always believe me when I apologize and tell them that I didn’t mean to disrespect them.

My social confusion aside, another thing that set me apart pretty early on is the fact that I was never quite in sync with the interests of other girls my age. I never saw the point of trends and found following them to be well…stupid… and an exhausting waste of time. This applied to everything from general interests to TV to clothes to favorite subjects in school. My earliest obsession was with dinosaurs, then tigers, then the now-classic anime Sailor Moon, then two years later it was Poke’mon, followed by Avatar the Last Airbender, which is still a favorite show of mine, then NCIS and most recently Criminal Minds. At the same time I’ve always had a love of history, and my special interests on that front include the American Revolution, Pre-History around the world, 3 Kingdoms period China, and Tsarist Russia. My most recent special interest is Theology. Once I get interested in something I throw myself into it and really don’t loosen my grip on it until I have something new with which to replace it. Sometimes I find that when in a conversation that is not about any of these areas of interest I tend to either zone out and wish I was wearing a T-shirt that said “I really wish I weren’t here right now.” Or I tend to try to redirect the conversation toward an area of interest. It’s not that I mean to be rude, not in the slightest, it’s just the simple fact that I’m bored out of my mind, so bored in fact, that I usually assume I’m doing everyone a favor by making more interesting conversation. Sometimes I’m more aware of this than at other times and will choose the “zone out” option or even attempt to participate in discussions that I have no interest in whatsoever, in an effort to be polite.

One thing I find to be both a blessing and a curse, is that my brain seems to be wired for history, theology, philosophy, and literature… and math, physics, and chemistry neither make sense no interest me in the slightest. Which causes problems when you need school credit in the things for which you are not wired.

Then there is the matter of sensory issues, which thankfully in my case, are relatively minimal. There are certain sounds I can’t stand, metal on bone, metal on metal, chalk on a chalk board (thank God for dry erase boards), I don’t like crowds or strobe lights, and I’m really bothered by uninvited touch. So you can imagine what it was like for me at Rec Night in middle school, a school dance but with food and games and casual attire... the music was way too loud and the area far too crowded plus even though my light and color issues are really very minor the chaotic flashing, multi-colored strobe lights were a nightmare, that whole environment was hell.

In conclusion, while it hasn’t always been easy, and while sometimes I wish that people like myself were the accepted norm. Even now, at last understanding why I am this way, I don’t think of it as there being something wrong with me, but instead that it is who I am.